How I see myself through a lens of loneliness and violation

“Forgive me; I was lonely so I chose you. I’m a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely. I belong deeply to myself.”-Warsan Shire

If I were
a fish

I’d go
for the bait

Just
for company

-Ralph Nazareth



You fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

-Margaret Atwood


           I have always loved. I love my three best friends as sisters. I have so much passion and it fills my heart, spilling into my schoolwork, my job, and my communication. I feel gratitude for my mother, father, sister, and I accept them. Love and loneliness sometimes go hand in hand. Love requires reflection and learning. Time spent alone sustains and fortifies love. To open oneself up, to be intimate with someone and to show them your soul, is to be vulnerable. It is both exciting and terrifying in a glorious way and when one falls in love there is an uncertain amount of risk involved.

           Poet Warsan Shire wrote, “I’m a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely. I belong deeply to myself.” This resonates with me because I believe that if we love ourselves deeply we can spread love and share it with others. Loneliness can be fulfilling and meaningful. I don’t wallow in loneliness. I see it as peaceful.

            If I were a fish, would I take the bait just for the company? I keep excellent company but this needs more examining. I love my three best friends as sisters. Our friendship dynamic is amazing and unique, fulfilling and creative. In this world of chaos and uncertainty, they are my refuge. I have grown to love my best friends so much, and I could not imagine life without them. We are thoughtful, analytical, and thankful. Together we analyze current and past events, our social and work situations, love---the meaning of life. Through their stories I have learned them; I know how a few lovely brains operate in this world. I practice listening often, and this has helped me foster my relationships with my family members.

            I feel gratitude for my mother, father, and sister because I have spent many hours thinking of them and learning to understand each of them. As I continue to understand my family, I accept more about them. I realize the motive and intent behind each word said, and each action taken. I believe that love is listening. Love is looking beyond the surface and spending time learning about the person.  I accept them for who they are.

              I have always loved. I have had who some may call companions, and who I wish to call transient paramours. I have not found my unequivocal equivalent. I have not found the company I wish to keep in a lover. I reflect on this often. I believe that each person in my life is there for a reason. I have accepted that when they leave, it is equally purposeful. This peace of mind is for today. This sense of self-awareness and contentment is temporary. Each thought I have is paired with a dueling one. It goes far deeper. Since I have had so many lovers I've had many experiences. I have felt violated. Not in a way I may gather from Margaret Atwood's poem, but in a way that is relative to my experience. There are things that I do not yet have the emotional capacity to write about. Perhaps a poem from February may shine a light on a feeling of violation I had.


I am skin muscle bone

I am arm leg neck breast

I am hands that trace patterns on your skin

and lips that kiss your arm leg neck breast

I kiss you

You kiss me

Why?

If this is all we are, why are we so passionate?

Because

I am heart love soul spirit breathing

I am eyes ears thoughts whispers

I am caresses passion tears laughter

I kiss you because I feel this all in you

You kiss me

Why?


Sometimes all I wish to do is to sit: to meditate, equalize; to contemplate, find meaning. My heart was violated because she didn't feel how she said she did. I contemplated, what is the point of all of this?

If I were a fish, would I take the bait for company? Surely I would if I didn't already have splendid company… or is the bait---I take the bait because I pursue new lovers in hopes of finding my equivalent. I subject myself to heartbreak, difficult situations, and inconvenient truths. I believe that the friendships I have fostered will always save me. I will overcome heartbreak and loss. I have learned how to lose. I am blessed to have my amazing friends and my stable family. I’m in a situation that makes me feel save in certain levels of uncertainty.

Lovers come in and out of my life in a really wonderful way. They always teach me so much and lead me to true discovery. Conversation leads to creation.

Do I long for company? Do I long for a lover who may take some weight off of my shoulders? Surely I must crave this often enough, considering my adolescent-life-long steady stream of lovers. I am happy because I have a relatively stable and loving life with periods of loneliness, periods of wild affairs. It seems to be balanced and allows me to grow and change. I am proud to call myself a friend, daughter, sister, lover. I am happy to say that are some permanent fixtures in my life that I refuse to let go of. My friends and family are so important to me, and often I am surprised that they love me too. I experience a wide range of emotions and events each day. Loneliness is a part of my life, and violation and ugliness exist in it too. I really enjoy variety, and I really enjoy stability. I often wonder what will come to fruition and I have faith that it will be overwhelmingly meaningful.

Decisions, decisions

I got myself out of bed today, like all other days... I showered, put my makeup on, tried a new hairstyle etc. Casey wanted to snuggle and he was on my bed, waiting for me. His little paws, big eyes, and wet nosey... The perfect combination of cuteness, and the fact that this was a very rainy day made this morning a fight to get out of bed. Each day I make a considered decision: to get out of bed or to snuggle till noon and miss class. I have not missed class yet. I left the house, a tearful, passionate goodbye of "I love you, boombop!!!" and "I'll miss you caser lil man," and "I'll be home soon, cookie-mooka!"  I got a bigass cup of coffee and a bigass cup of ice water from Dunkin. Ate my breakfast while driving (chicken burger bites with egg, broccoli, spinach) and did so very carefully. I received an e-mail from my English professor canceling class. I thought to myself, "Hannah you're going to be late for public speaking, and English is cancelled. Fuck it. Turn back."   I watched the traffic move as i held my little Tupperware between my legs and took another bite. If you're wondering if I turned back, I'm telling you now that I denied myself a free day off. I know that my education is a privilege that so many would take advantage of if they had the opportunity. Since I'm self-aware and great in a thousand ways, I went to school. I got to Nassau and there were no open parking spots. I had to park off-campus in the dirt lot- oh, sorry, the mud lot... And trek in the pouring rain to public speaking. All the way there I said to myself, "turn back! Don't you dare turn back! Go, fuck it just go home! No..." and so on. Finally I walked in, shoes squeaking, 13 minutes late. I was greeted with timid, kind smiles. Professor Zigottis was telling a riveting story, and I had interrupted. I could not turn back. I think the only thing I really missed was his riveting story because for the rest of the class we went over what I had read in the textbook... At the end of class I remembered to ask him if I could sign the attendance sheet. He said "oh I didn't feel like sending a sheet out, so...everybody's here today!" And I said to myself... "I SHOULD HAVE TURNED BACK YOU CRAZY PROFESSOR WHY DID YOU WHY WHY WHY" So I said to him, "I'm sorry I was late. Have a great day!"  I made my way back to the slippery lot of doom and into my mini-van. Currently, I'm sitting in my car outside the Levittown library, dreading the rain again... Thinking to myself, "why not just turn back? Spend some time with the puppies... Maybe stop and get some ice cream... Relax until work..." Of course not. I'm going to go to the library, pour my heart and soul into this paper, organize my notes, and make this day worthwhile. Then if there's time, I will snuggle with cookiedog. This is the plight of a white middle-working class female NCC student named Hannah Duffin.